Dreamless

Finally found a name for The Need...

...and it's Freedom.

That's what I'm striving for.

That's what I've been dreaming about ever since I've opened my eyes.

That's what's been missing all these years, while I was just trying to find myself a place in this world we've been given and not end up alone and broke. (I haven't found the right place yet, though. My hometown of Rijeka, Croatia does seem as a pretty good option. More of that in days to come, maybe.)

I've been fighting all my life, with people (including those very close and precious to me), with institutions, with teachers, with living in a city I never had any desire to live in, and, probably, with everything else except my movies and books. Even with my writing.

In a strange, nearly insane way my subconsciousness was trying to get one message through - you are not free. I had to realize - and it took me literally years - that I am - as all the life coaches, life designers and self-help experts always say - I am the one who chooses. I will be the one to say what my life will look like - at this moment (while I'm writing a post on a blog full of dreams), in a year's time (when I will take a break, finally, and use three months of my precious time to learn how to row a boat properly - it's only a distant dream now, but who knows? It all seems so full of opportunities right now...), or in ten to twenty years. (Of which I have no desire whatsoever to think about right now. Come what may, I'll just make sure to be myself and keep choosing for myself in the many days to come.)

Strange as it seems, my ultimate dream had always been to have a cottage (with excellent heating, never stressed enough) atop a cliff in the mountains close to Rijeka. I've never thought, not even for a millisecond, that I could actually create that life for myself. I've never laid any plans or designed any goals to help me get to that cliff and into that cottage (or on its porch, watching the sun go down). But I'm a different person now. And so many - so many! - people are telling me it can be done. (Latest, but not the leastest at all, has been Andrew@Sail to Trail.)

Now I'm even rethinking my Big Dream. I'm somehow inclined to think that it has more to do with wooden houses and sun watches than my life purpose. I'm not at all sure anymore that it would make me as happy as a Big Dream should. (First of all, I'd be away from all of my precious people, and I've already found out earlier I need regular coffee dates with most of them to keep my sanity.:)

So, I guess you could say that I am, as of this moment, dreamless. Nothing could ever be further possible from the truth.:) It just takes time to formulate my dreams in letters, translate vision into word and let the rest of the world know what my tiny heart truly desires.

And you can, too. You can take a couple of seconds to think about yourself. If you have been blessed (by coincidence or whatever you thank for your existence) with the opportunity to live freely in this world, don't you think you should exploit that and do your best to be happy?

(If you're wondering why the boat picture, that's what the one I'm going to be rowing looks like. Just like that.:)