Living on the Edge

Recently I've found myself in a strange, strange situation.

It's been almost a month since I've begun doing things I need to do on a regular basis. Writing papers for college. Meeting all my responsibilities, writing down all my appointments. I can't claim to have lived this way for the whole month, but for a better part of it, yes.

I've become... a not-so-lazy-anymore person. I'm doing things. I'm creating stuff. And I'm scared.

For one thing, I'm scared of what will happen next, when my urge to be productive (and, via productivity, feel good - what it's all about, after all) dies of natural causes. Or when I run out of ideas and have no clue what to do next. What will I do, walk aimlessly around the house, surf the net all day long? What will I live for then?

On the other hand, I'm scared of the possibility that my productivity phase won't end anytime soon. What if I stay like this, having to do stuff all the time, having no time or patience just to waste time and enjoy myself? I'm scared of losing touch with the real world, forgetting what it was all about while chasing some distant dream.

The key to it all is, as always, balance. That's the one thing I'm lacking, the one thing that keeps me scared. If I learn to keep balance between the two tides, juggle the urge to create and the desire to be, I'll make it. If I don't... who knows. One thing is sure - I cannot survive (happy and healthy) without both parts of my life. (Been there, done that, never wish to go back.) When I rely on work, I end up exhausted and sick; when I practice doing nothing for days at a time, I end up depressed and frustrated. None of it makes me happy alone as well as they do combined. I just have to work out the details - remember to care when I'm procrastinating as much as never forget to not care about it, from time to time. Remember to exercise, no matter what. Remember to talk to my friends and never forget to be alone. I guess that's where the magic is.

But I have to tell you one little secret. I am enjoying myself. Being on the productive side doesn't feel half as bad as I used to imagine. And, even more, it's making me feel better and more alive than ever. I don't really stop and stare at the wall lamenting my life and loneliness anymore. Nor do I sweat the delays. I know that I'm doing something, and I'm doing it well, there's less and less stuff that can make me feel unworthy nowadays.

Confidence, I guess that's the word. Self-confidence. Not faking it, this time. I swear.;)