You know when you start one journey or one project and another one just shows up, around the corner, demanding your attention? The same happened to me couple of days ago, during a conversation with my other half, when I realized that the time had come for me to redefine my sense of self. It's a tricky thing, this self. I thought I knew mine on a first-name basis, but now it seems that I was wrong all the time. Call it mid-twenties crisis, call it confusion (or even mental instability, if you will), the problem is as real as any (say, the exam I have tomorrow and should be studying for right now instead of writing).The problem is - how do you do it? How do you find your lost self? I guess it's quite different for different people. I've always heard of counseling, meditation, taking a week/month off to go into an introspect inspection, or flying to a country you can't pronounce or even put on the map until you get there - to search for yourself in a different environment (or go meditate/pray/taste foreign cuisine). What when none of that helps or is available? Sure, I could try meditation, but I'm not a sit-and-think kind of person. (Maybe because lately when I do sit and think mostly I get depressed over my situation and the whole shite starts all over again.)
No, the way I chose was my 101 in 1001 challenge list. It was a way to regain control over my life via stuff that was really, really fun for me but also a bit challenging. It's stupid, I know. But I'm still kinda into it. Having finished my first challenge, #9 (waking up at 7am for a week to study and live ;), I'm currently into #1 (go vegan for a month). It's not much, but it's a manifesto of my desire to have my life roll out the way I want it to.
Because, one of the thickest roots of my dislike for my life had come from the fact that I don't like what I see in the future. I'm finishing college next year and thus ending my 17 year long relationship of love and hate with educational institutions. Seventeen years, that's three quarters of the orange called my life. No wonder I feel terrified at the prospect of having to find a real job (hopefully one I'll like) and settle somewhere so that the rest of my life can start. The day I get out of that institution for the last time and take the traditional train home will be the first day of the rest of my life. So, what am I going to do with my life? It probably would have been easier if I had chosen a couple of majors that would help me get a job I dream of in the future, but my motivation and desire had changed since I rolled into college and now I can't really say if working in my field of study would help me feel fulfilled. (There's only one way to find out, eh?)
Getting out of college, I'll have no money, no job, no place to stay except my parents' couch and absolutely no vision of what I want my life to look like. Sure, I do have some dreams, but they require down payments I won't be capable of for a good number of years. When I let my mind stray into that direction, it feels like all I have to do is work for money until I accumulate enough of it to start my own business. Maybe it does come down to that, but I don't want to postpone my life for even a second more. I want to feel alive. And, this time, heroic books and action movies will not do.
It hurts me (as it hurts all the teenagers enough well off that they never had to work for a living) to think that now I have to become a part of the mainstream public working at a job they hate to get the money they need to life the life they want to lead, and then get home way to tired to even try to lift themselves from the couch and go do something about their dreams. I do not yet have the skills (nor the motivation, honestly - it's all just in shades of gray for me lately) to design my life and lead the lifestyle of the free and determined. I'm not one to dream of everlasting travel, of working on the road, writing a blog and sending postcards to my mother. (One of the many problems I'd have with that is that I need my long-term friends and regular face-to-face conversations with them to keep myself sane.:) All I know - as of this weekend - is that I really want to work with people. This year it will be a summer job as a tourist animator somewhere on the coast of Croatia. Next year I'll maybe apply for a course for tourist guides. Who knows?
But, most importantly, when I finally do get over with college, I'm taking a break. (Currently I plan to keep it three months long, but who knows?) Until a week ago I wouldn't even dream about it, but then I finally realized that I need it - and that I have a right to do it. I've been quite a good student all my life (Hey, I live off sholarships!) and never had any real arguments with my family (except couple of years ago when I realized my choice of partner will not go along with their demands) or anything else that would qualify me for having to repay anybody anything.
When I realized that with the money from this summer's job (and maybe a few extra ones in the future) I could afford that kind of a break, it all started to have a tiny bit more sense. (Life in general had more sense, since I could relax a little.:) The sole idea of designing my own life (even if it's for only a couple of months) is so appealing that it gives me and instant boost of energy and self-respect every time I think about it. I'm gonna go to my family's house at one of Croatia's finest islands and stay there for three whole months. (Actually, it's and expanded version of #29 on my list.) I'm going to:
- write
- learn how to row a boat properly :D
- watch movies and tv shows
- take pictures
- exercise
- cook
- swim
- whatever my heart desires!
So, on days like these, when the forecast of "light snow" turns into "you might want to get up couple of hours earlier if you want to make sure you'll make it to work today", I just have to remind myself that I have time. I don't have to run anymore, I don't have to know right now what I want the rest of my 60+ years to look like. I'm 22, for goodness' sake. And I can afford a couple of months off to do what I feel like. Maybe even find out in what way I'm going to get myself the money I need to live out my dreams.
Maybe the next time when I get into one of my darkest (and most tedious) moods, this post (and the blog in general) will help me not to lose sight of the many possibilities the future is practically offering me on a plate. I just have to make sure I have the right cutlery to consume them with.
