November - The Month of Writing Novels

 Yeah, I've joined NaNoWriMo. It'll be my first one. I'm determined on finishing my novel (which will be my second one). And scared as hell.

Because, all your ideals and believes, they're not real! But I am.

Thinking about my novel-to-be feels a lot like that quote (by Lara Croft's lover, Terry Sheridan). It's three days until the frenzy begins. I have an outline sketch, a few sentences on the supporting characters, and a page and a half on my main one. I've felt excited and overwhelmed this week, since I've joined the site on Tuesday, but now I'm just... panicking. I've been reading a lot about writing in the past couple of days. (I've been reading on writen for the whole last year, but NaNoWriMo starts this Monday!) I was quite confident when I joined, but now... it feels like I haven't done my homework well (hell, I'm not even adding detail to the outline at the moment, I'm blogging!), I have a lot of details yet to figure out, and a couple of Big Important Questions about my main character and my plot that remain unanswered!

Still, I'm doing it. I'm doing it as passionately as I've ever done anything I've been obsessed with. After all, it's writing. It's writing cca. two thousand words a day, for thirty days. It's about sitting down at my desk (well... actually, my mother's kitchen desk, since that's the only one in the house big enough for me and my laptop - still have to figure out how to heat the kitchen, though...), making no excuses, and typing. For hours. The fact that I've written the prior novel by hand doesn't help, not even a little bit. It's gonna be strange as hell, typing again. But it's the only way, this time.

It's about telling all my friends I've joined this... madness, as others have called it, and not going out as much as I used to in the last couple of months. It's work. And I'm gonna work. Boy, am I gonna work.

So here's the plan. It starts this Sunday right after midnight - if I'm still awake - and this Monday, at about seven fifteen in the morning, if Sunday tv shows turn me down. I'll try - just because people have suggested it, and because I am a morning type, after all - writing until noon every day. Then I'll (hopefully) make lunch and watch a movie (or another Farscape episode or whatever) and maybe talk to other sentient beings. (Who knows.) Luckily, I have the whole week basically for myself and I do plan to use it well! Next week - the dreaded Week Two of NaNo - I'm back in college, with considerably - but not tragically - less free time, when I plan to write in the afternoons or evenings or whatever. (I'm guessing there's going to be a lot of those 'whatevers' in the next four weeks. I don't care.:) My goal is to hit 2k every day, and, luckily, 5k one day of every week. The novel's starting value should be a little over 50k - that's ten times 5. My personal best, by now, is 3,600 in a single day. It took me about four hours. I honestly can't wait to see what my writing will react like once this Hell starts. Writing Hell. Now there's a though. Personal Writing Hell. Are we having fun yet?

There's no reason for me not to finish the dare. Sure, I expect the unexpected. (Like, my ex calls or my future one gets drunk or something.) And there are all the birthdays. But I trust myself - a funny thing to write, even more so because it's true - to keep writing my overall priority for the next month. Thirty days isn't that much. And I am a writing addict. (Except when I'm high on NRE - new relationship energy - and can't write more that thirty pages in one year. Sad, I know. But in those periods I have a lot of fun in other ways.;)

It's incredible that I can be so much excited about something that's, well... hard. Hard as hell. And hot as much. Because... I've pledged for the 50k-in-30days thing. It's one of the many things that have never been on my list of stuff I'd do in my lifetime. (Except for my 101 in 1001 list, of course.;) And I'm doing it. I'm soo doing it.

Just can't wait until the damn thing starts!

# 56 is done! *dances around*

I'm really, really glad to inform the general public that number 56 on my 101 in 1001 list, go back to Trogir and sit below the ceiling of its cathedral once more, is done, as of the day before yesterday. It happened totally on random, but it's been great. Thing is, I think they're cleaning it right now as we speak. So, had I come only a couple of months later, the feeling I loved would be gone, because the ceiling will probably be glittering white before the summer. I'm so glad I had the time and the opportunity to see it all black and ancient once more. It is going to take it some hundreds of years to become that dark again.


In the meantime, some really interesting (and quite dangerous, I might add) stuff awaits me this summer. Can't wait to face mortal danger and become a stronger person.

101 in 1001 - A Month Later

A couple of days ago it turned a month since I've created my 101 in 1001 list, and since I've been thinking about it quite a lot lately, I reckon' I'd write a post about the progress of the 101 things on the list - at least the ones I'm making progress in. It brings me great joy, and, after all, this blog does serve as a way to share my experience with the 101 in 1001 thing. Yeah, that's a lot of zeroes.

A month later, I've managed to finish three things - #9, wake up at 7 for a week (to study and live ;), #90, study without distractions for two-three weeks, and #6, publish at least one post a week for a month. I've made a great attempt at #1, go vegan for at least one month, but I've only managed to do two weeks before I went home and... no need to go further, I'm sure.

A couple of more are on their way - #4, #5, #28, #42, and #100, with #87 rising up every couple of weeks, when I find a new topic and explore it in great depths. It's funny, actually, I could have "finished" #87 a few times now, but I don't need to take it of the list that soon. I'll rather leave it open for future possibilities.

And now, a month later - how does it feel? It still feels great. I still have the feeling (although I don't need it that much anymore) that there are a few things that I can do even when everything else fails. But, more importantly, I'm still dreaming. The process of making it - and doing stuff from it - has got my imagination up and running, making my subconscious mind create all sorts of wonderful, fun things I could do in the future. Making me feel the world awaits me. And that, even more than any of the tiny "goals" on the list, is one hell of an achievement.

So, the list keeps rolling, in a way. My dreams keep growing, too. And, honestly, I'm in no rush to finish the list. Not because there's a lot of time left. Because I'm enjoying the process. I keep on doing it for a long, long time... and who knows where it all might end.

The One Thing That Makes You Feel Good

It's strange, actually. There seem to be no exceptions to this. The one thing that is always sure to make you feel better...
...is exercise.

It has something to do with our internal body chemistry. (It's endorphins, that I know. Wish I knew more.) The thing is that I feel it, no matter what the doctors say. The hardest part is to start the exercise, almost every time, but once you're in, the blood rushes and your whole body conspires against you to make you feel good.

The sad part is that it's one hell of an achievement just to start. I used to exercise every single day for a couple of months, but once I got out of my routine, it all went dead. Now I wish I could make myself pick up those dumbbells again, or maybe even do a couple of push-ups,  but I never seem to find the time. Surfing the net, no problem. Reading some crappy detective novel, I'm in. But doing myself a favour so big I can never seem to repay myself, hell, no. I feel so stupid.

The problem is that it somehow seems illogical to "waste" my precious free time on exercise. Everything else in my everyday life somehow has a greater perceived value for me. Reading is intellectual, surfing the net - well, it certainly beats squats. And that truly is a shame. Because, ten years from now - hey, even ten months from now - I will really be glad that I did those squats (and the bloody push-ups). Will I remember anything I've read today on any of the blogs? Not sure. During my days of active exercising, I used to notice a lot of progress in my whole body - and, because of the good feeling afterwards - in my mind as well. It beats depression, every single time.

I used to notice that even in the long gone days when I went to the gym, but it was all mixed up in the excitement of actually doing something good for my body and the sweat and the pain and the long journey home from the gym. When I exercise at home, I don't really sweat. I don't even feel that much pain, maybe when I get rusty or overwork myself. Here, I really feel better, just better, but also illogically happier and more inclined to do other stuff, say, study.

So, you don't need sweets. (Well, sometimes you do, but that's another thing.;) You don't need television, nor your mp3, nor a happy pill. (Unless your problem go way deeper than simple laziness and a mildish feeling of unhappiness.) You just need to shake your booty.

I can't wait to start working on mine again!

Living on the Edge

Recently I've found myself in a strange, strange situation.

It's been almost a month since I've begun doing things I need to do on a regular basis. Writing papers for college. Meeting all my responsibilities, writing down all my appointments. I can't claim to have lived this way for the whole month, but for a better part of it, yes.

I've become... a not-so-lazy-anymore person. I'm doing things. I'm creating stuff. And I'm scared.

For one thing, I'm scared of what will happen next, when my urge to be productive (and, via productivity, feel good - what it's all about, after all) dies of natural causes. Or when I run out of ideas and have no clue what to do next. What will I do, walk aimlessly around the house, surf the net all day long? What will I live for then?

On the other hand, I'm scared of the possibility that my productivity phase won't end anytime soon. What if I stay like this, having to do stuff all the time, having no time or patience just to waste time and enjoy myself? I'm scared of losing touch with the real world, forgetting what it was all about while chasing some distant dream.

The key to it all is, as always, balance. That's the one thing I'm lacking, the one thing that keeps me scared. If I learn to keep balance between the two tides, juggle the urge to create and the desire to be, I'll make it. If I don't... who knows. One thing is sure - I cannot survive (happy and healthy) without both parts of my life. (Been there, done that, never wish to go back.) When I rely on work, I end up exhausted and sick; when I practice doing nothing for days at a time, I end up depressed and frustrated. None of it makes me happy alone as well as they do combined. I just have to work out the details - remember to care when I'm procrastinating as much as never forget to not care about it, from time to time. Remember to exercise, no matter what. Remember to talk to my friends and never forget to be alone. I guess that's where the magic is.

But I have to tell you one little secret. I am enjoying myself. Being on the productive side doesn't feel half as bad as I used to imagine. And, even more, it's making me feel better and more alive than ever. I don't really stop and stare at the wall lamenting my life and loneliness anymore. Nor do I sweat the delays. I know that I'm doing something, and I'm doing it well, there's less and less stuff that can make me feel unworthy nowadays.

Confidence, I guess that's the word. Self-confidence. Not faking it, this time. I swear.;)